Which Ugly Holiday Sweater Suits You Best?

How else are you supposed to carry around that eggnog, eh? What kind of brute would use their hands to handle the pinecone-flavored beer someone bought as a joke and dared you (successfully) to drink? The Dreadful Drink-Holder is as versatile as it is hideous, and the wearer of such gay apparel balances sophistication with practicality.

Much like Skynet, this ugly sweater rendition is self-aware. It has Santa riding in a tank or delivering presents atop a fire-breathing dragon. Perhaps it has a T-Rex sporting a poof-ball winter cap. If the sweater is super cool, it comes with 1 of at least 1,373 memorable quotes from the Home Alone franchise. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

Unicorns may not be holiday-specific, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. If you sport a spike-headed horse on your sweater, you are primed to revel in some joyous festivities. Maybe mythical creatures aren’t your thing. No worries! If you go ambiguous this holiday season, you’ve got options: pine trees, bell configurations, polar bears. Whatever works.

Perhaps this year’s ugly sweater comes with a tutu stitched onto the hem. And if it doesn’t have some Nutcracker ballet flair poofing out at the beltline, rest assured there is a generous amount of tinsel involved. Wearing this bad boy means you have to worry about getting snagged on the side of the snack bar, or shedding glittery shreds on the couch. The peril is worth it though; the Tower of Tinsel Terror makes you look luminous.

Look, Uncle Albert or Aunt Catherine or Cousin Martha made it just for you. They’re proud of you for being a teacher and a nice person, so they knitted you a lovely, thoughtful gift. And given all that affectionate gooeyness, you love this amazing winter apparel, even if your sweater won’t exactly put you on the cover of Vogue.